LITTLE HORSE

"Good morning, oh masked one," said Bear with a smile.

"Good morning, Bear," said Bum, also with a smile, although he couldn't see it from behind her mask.

"I hate to admit it, Bum, but you were right...this time.  Your mask is stylish, and I like the bits and pieces of those horses you can see on the border over your ears.  It gives it a racy look."

"Thanks, Bear.  It is always encouraging to get good feedback on a creative effort," said Bum, looking pleased.

"Did you just make the one, Bum?" asked Bear.

"Yes," answered Bum.  The square scarf with the horses on the border is the only scarf of that size I had.  Most of the shops are now closed because of the pandemic, so I am unable to buy more scarves of that size, or even material to make some.  So, that's the end of my mask making, I guess."

"Hmm," said Bear.  "Why don't you cut some squares out of some of your blouses.  God knows, you have enough of them.  I don't think you have enough time left in your life to wear them all," said Bear in that disapproving tone he uses sometimes, well often, if truth be told.

"I'll think about it," said Bum.

"Why did you use the title, Little horse, for this post on your blog, Bum?" asked Bear.

"Because, dear Bear, little horse is the English equivalent of the word, bidet, which I am going to tell you all about."

"Enough of the French, Bum.  You know I always think you're just showing off." muttered Bear.

"I don't show off with French words, Bear, because I know so few of them.  I told you that before, so let me continue with bidet before our visit is over," said Bum, getting somewhat annoyed with him.

"Go ahead.  I'm not stopping you," said Bear, and then added "as if I could."

"OK, then.  A bidet is used to clean your private parts with water after you have relieved yourself," said Bum.

"Relieved yourself of what, Bum?" asked Bear, looking puzzled.

"Defecation or urination, Bear, or, if you're lucky, after sex," said Bum.

"Oh," said Bear, and then "I never heard of a bidet.  Is this something new, Bum?"

"No, Bear.  It's centuries old and bidets are still used throughout the world, except in North America."

"Why's that?" asked Bear.  He looked puzzled again..

"During the war, World War II, the Yanks were in Europe defending all of us against the Germans.  They were far from home and lonely, so availed themselves of prostitutes, which I understand were readily available. When they returned home to the U.S.A., there was a man, whose name I do not recall, who tried to introduce bidets to the public.  Because the returning soldiers associated bidets with prostitutes, they, en masse, rejected it for their good women at home, or something like that.," said Bum.

Bear thought a moment;  I guess digesting this information he did not know, and then said, "I take it that the use of a bidet would seriously reduce the amount of toilet paper you need."

"You got it in one, Bear.  You are a clever fellow, aren't you?" said Bum, looking pleased for his quick thinking and analysis of the situation.

"Yes, Bear, from an environmental standpoint, bidets can reduce the need for toilet paper.  Do you know that if the United States switched to using bidets, it would save 15 million trees every year.  Someone out there is making billions of dollars having trees cut down and processed into paper.  That person has a lot to answer for, environmentally speaking."

"So, Bum, I presume you sit in the bidet, sort of like a toilet?"

"Yes that's right, Bear.  Some of the bidets are separate and sit beside the toilet but some of them are attached to the toilet, a bit to the side with some kind of sprayer.  There were a few pictures online but I've never seen one, of course.  They can be expensive to buy and install and therefore out of my price range.  While browsing online I saw a few ads for what they called a travel bidet and thought that might work for me, to try it you know.  I picked one and asked my sister to order it for me from Amazon as she has an account.  Unfortunately, they were out of stock of that item, so I'm on the lookout for another one."

 "How does the travel bidet work, Bum?" asked Bear.

"It's a soft, squeezie type bottle, no more than a foot high.  You unscrew the top and out pops a short wand with a nozzle on the top.  You fill the bottle with cold or warm water, warm would seem to be preferred, and point it at the part you want to clean, and squeeze.  The ad said you need some dexterity and I wondered about that.  Anyway, I thought I'd try it to add some spice to my otherwise boring life during the pandemic lockdown."

"Sounds easy enough, Bum.  Did they say why a bidet was better than using toilet paper?"

"The article I read, said that toilet paper just moves the residue of waste around and does not clean.  It is especially important for babies who don't need germs or bacteria smeared across their bums.  Also, the article said it's good for hemorrhoids, I know not why because I've never had a hemorrhoid.  They claimed that baby wipes were no good either because they just moved germs around too.  I think the travel bidet would be good for babies because kids overall like to be hosed down and I'm sure babies are no exception."

"So as not to alarm mothers out there who don't own a bidet, Bum, they could just dunk the baby in a bucket of warm water and that would work, don't you think?"

"Good idea, Bear."

"You know, Bum, I think we've beaten this subject to death and not a moment too soon, in my opinion.  That's more information than I ever wanted to know about bidets, and I'm probably not alone in this regard, if anyone out there is reading our blog," said Bear with finality, he hoped.

"Not so fast, Bear.  There's more."

"How could there be more?" asked Bear, and he looked cross.
 
"Ads," responded Bum with a bit of a smirk, or perhaps smile is a better word for her look.  She's not really the smirk type.  That sounds more like Bear.

"Advertisements, do you mean?  I dislike shortened versions of words, as you well know," said Bear.

"OK, noted.  Advertisements started to appear when I went online to watch a horse race video.  The first one said Tushy Butts Need Love" and I thought, what the hell is that supposed to mean.  And then another one appeared titled Bum Gun and then I knew what was happening.  Before I could move away from the site, another advertisement appeared which said Big John For Big Bums."

"Please don't tell me they're sending you advertisements for those travel bidets, Bum?" 

"Yes, Bear, and I should've expected them," said Bum.   "A few years back, when we purchased the Mini, it seemed to run a bit rough in my opinion.  So, I went online, searched out the nearest Mini dealership, and looked for a recall order on shocks.  There was a recall order but it was for the passenger seat, and ours was OK. I also checked to see how much it would cost for an extra car key because we didn't get one when we purchased the car.  My sister wanted one, even though she doesn't drive, but she'd like to get into the car if she needs to.   Anyway, shortly after my searching online about Minis, every time I logged on to my laptop, little Minis would circle the screen and even some down the sides.  This went on for quite a long time, but I got used to it, and ignored it."

"It's a good thing that little quirks like that don't bother you, Bum.  You are pretty laid back, aren't you?"

"Yes," said Bum, "until I started receiving videos about pornography when I signed on."

 "WHAT" shouted Bear.

"Relax, Bear.  I don't much care for pornography, if you must know, and you must, if you know me at all.  I was looking for some horse racing videos, which I do often, to keep abreast of what's happening with the sport.  I told you before that my sister and I enjoy horse racing and have been going to Hastings Park for years and years.  Anyway, where was I?"

"You were looking up pornographic sites," said Bear disapprovingly.

"I was looking up horse racing videos and saw this one called Super Stallion a trois which means with three and I thought it was about the Triple Crown.  It wasn't.  The video showed a man, naked, and three other people, all naked, another man and two women.  They were doing things I'd never seen before."

"It wasn't those cupped buttocks and blow jobs which you included in our book and couldn't explain to my satisfaction, was it?" asked Bear, again disapprovingly. 

"If that were all," said Bum.  "Over a couple of weeks, more and more videos showed up on my laptop, disguised as horse races.  It was very disturbing."

"Did you watch them, Bum?"

""No, of course not, Bear.  Well...not many."





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