LITTLE HORSE

"Good morning, oh masked one," said Bear with a smile.

"Good morning, Bear," said Bum, also with a smile, although he couldn't see it from behind her mask.

"I hate to admit it, Bum, but you were right...this time.  Your mask is stylish, and I like the bits and pieces of those horses you can see on the border over your ears.  It gives it a racy look."

"Thanks, Bear.  It is always encouraging to get good feedback on a creative effort," said Bum, looking pleased.

"Did you just make the one, Bum?" asked Bear.

"Yes," answered Bum.  The square scarf with the horses on the border is the only scarf of that size I had.  Most of the shops are now closed because of the pandemic, so I am unable to buy more scarves of that size, or even material to make some.  So, that's the end of my mask making, I guess."

"Hmm," said Bear.  "Why don't you cut some squares out of some of your blouses.  God knows, you have enough of them.  I don't think you have enough time left in your life to wear them all," said Bear in that disapproving tone he uses sometimes, well often, if truth be told.

"I'll think about it," said Bum.

"Why did you use the title, Little horse, for this post on your blog, Bum?" asked Bear.

"Because, dear Bear, little horse is the English equivalent of the word, bidet, which I am going to tell you all about."

"Enough of the French, Bum.  You know I always think you're just showing off." muttered Bear.

"I don't show off with French words, Bear, because I know so few of them.  I told you that before, so let me continue with bidet before our visit is over," said Bum, getting somewhat annoyed with him.

"Go ahead.  I'm not stopping you," said Bear, and then added "as if I could."

"OK, then.  A bidet is used to clean your private parts with water after you have relieved yourself," said Bum.

"Relieved yourself of what, Bum?" asked Bear, looking puzzled.

"Defecation or urination, Bear, or, if you're lucky, after sex," said Bum.

"Oh," said Bear, and then "I never heard of a bidet.  Is this something new, Bum?"

"No, Bear.  It's centuries old and bidets are still used throughout the world, except in North America."

"Why's that?" asked Bear.  He looked puzzled again..

"During the war, World War II, the Yanks were in Europe defending all of us against the Germans.  They were far from home and lonely, so availed themselves of prostitutes, which I understand were readily available. When they returned home to the U.S.A., there was a man, whose name I do not recall, who tried to introduce bidets to the public.  Because the returning soldiers associated bidets with prostitutes, they, en masse, rejected it for their good women at home, or something like that.," said Bum.

Bear thought a moment;  I guess digesting this information he did not know, and then said, "I take it that the use of a bidet would seriously reduce the amount of toilet paper you need."

"You got it in one, Bear.  You are a clever fellow, aren't you?" said Bum, looking pleased for his quick thinking and analysis of the situation.

"Yes, Bear, from an environmental standpoint, bidets can reduce the need for toilet paper.  Do you know that if the United States switched to using bidets, it would save 15 million trees every year.  Someone out there is making billions of dollars having trees cut down and processed into paper.  That person has a lot to answer for, environmentally speaking."

"So, Bum, I presume you sit in the bidet, sort of like a toilet?"

"Yes that's right, Bear.  Some of the bidets are separate and sit beside the toilet but some of them are attached to the toilet, a bit to the side with some kind of sprayer.  There were a few pictures online but I've never seen one, of course.  They can be expensive to buy and install and therefore out of my price range.  While browsing online I saw a few ads for what they called a travel bidet and thought that might work for me, to try it you know.  I picked one and asked my sister to order it for me from Amazon as she has an account.  Unfortunately, they were out of stock of that item, so I'm on the lookout for another one."

 "How does the travel bidet work, Bum?" asked Bear.

"It's a soft, squeezie type bottle, no more than a foot high.  You unscrew the top and out pops a short wand with a nozzle on the top.  You fill the bottle with cold or warm water, warm would seem to be preferred, and point it at the part you want to clean, and squeeze.  The ad said you need some dexterity and I wondered about that.  Anyway, I thought I'd try it to add some spice to my otherwise boring life during the pandemic lockdown."

"Sounds easy enough, Bum.  Did they say why a bidet was better than using toilet paper?"

"The article I read, said that toilet paper just moves the residue of waste around and does not clean.  It is especially important for babies who don't need germs or bacteria smeared across their bums.  Also, the article said it's good for hemorrhoids, I know not why because I've never had a hemorrhoid.  They claimed that baby wipes were no good either because they just moved germs around too.  I think the travel bidet would be good for babies because kids overall like to be hosed down and I'm sure babies are no exception."

"So as not to alarm mothers out there who don't own a bidet, Bum, they could just dunk the baby in a bucket of warm water and that would work, don't you think?"

"Good idea, Bear."

"You know, Bum, I think we've beaten this subject to death and not a moment too soon, in my opinion.  That's more information than I ever wanted to know about bidets, and I'm probably not alone in this regard, if anyone out there is reading our blog," said Bear with finality, he hoped.

"Not so fast, Bear.  There's more."

"How could there be more?" asked Bear, and he looked cross.
 
"Ads," responded Bum with a bit of a smirk, or perhaps smile is a better word for her look.  She's not really the smirk type.  That sounds more like Bear.

"Advertisements, do you mean?  I dislike shortened versions of words, as you well know," said Bear.

"OK, noted.  Advertisements started to appear when I went online to watch a horse race video.  The first one said Tushy Butts Need Love" and I thought, what the hell is that supposed to mean.  And then another one appeared titled Bum Gun and then I knew what was happening.  Before I could move away from the site, another advertisement appeared which said Big John For Big Bums."

"Please don't tell me they're sending you advertisements for those travel bidets, Bum?" 

"Yes, Bear, and I should've expected them," said Bum.   "A few years back, when we purchased the Mini, it seemed to run a bit rough in my opinion.  So, I went online, searched out the nearest Mini dealership, and looked for a recall order on shocks.  There was a recall order but it was for the passenger seat, and ours was OK. I also checked to see how much it would cost for an extra car key because we didn't get one when we purchased the car.  My sister wanted one, even though she doesn't drive, but she'd like to get into the car if she needs to.   Anyway, shortly after my searching online about Minis, every time I logged on to my laptop, little Minis would circle the screen and even some down the sides.  This went on for quite a long time, but I got used to it, and ignored it."

"It's a good thing that little quirks like that don't bother you, Bum.  You are pretty laid back, aren't you?"

"Yes," said Bum, "until I started receiving videos about pornography when I signed on."

 "WHAT" shouted Bear.

"Relax, Bear.  I don't much care for pornography, if you must know, and you must, if you know me at all.  I was looking for some horse racing videos, which I do often, to keep abreast of what's happening with the sport.  I told you before that my sister and I enjoy horse racing and have been going to Hastings Park for years and years.  Anyway, where was I?"

"You were looking up pornographic sites," said Bear disapprovingly.

"I was looking up horse racing videos and saw this one called Super Stallion a trois which means with three and I thought it was about the Triple Crown.  It wasn't.  The video showed a man, naked, and three other people, all naked, another man and two women.  They were doing things I'd never seen before."

"It wasn't those cupped buttocks and blow jobs which you included in our book and couldn't explain to my satisfaction, was it?" asked Bear, again disapprovingly. 

"If that were all," said Bum.  "Over a couple of weeks, more and more videos showed up on my laptop, disguised as horse races.  It was very disturbing."

"Did you watch them, Bum?"

""No, of course not, Bear.  Well...not many."





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END OF STRUCTURE

"I don't like that title, Bum," said Bear.  "It makes it sound like we are throwing out structure in our book and that would be stupid.  Wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes, I do agree, Bear, and that is not what I meant by the title.  We need to finish Paul's comments on Stracture and that is why I called it End of Structure.  OK?"

"OK," said Bear, "but first I want to know about the story you mentioned when last we met, about screwing."

"Oh yes, the screwing story.  I knew you wouldn't be able to forget that.  Where should I begin?"

"Try the beginning, Bum.  That usually works for me."

"The incident happened about a year ago in November 2019.  A man came to the house to work and told me I needed a good screw, thicker and longer."

"WHAT!!" shouted Bear."

"I'm just telling you what he said, Bum.  I wrote it down on a little piece of paper and placed it in my purse."

"You needed to write it down?  Have you lost your memory or perhaps just your mind," exploded Bear.  "Who was this awful guy?  And why did you invite him into your house.  You don't like visitors at the best of times, at least your sister doesn't, and it's her house."

"Don't get your tail in a knot, Bear.  He was the male part of the Molly Maid pair that comes to our house once a month to clean and vacuum.  The man does all the vacuuming, downstairs and upstairs, and brings his own machine.    They're not coming now because of the pandemic."

"Did you complain to Molly Maid, Bum?  I thought they were a reputable firm but really, if they are hiring people like that, there is a problem."

"Before you go off half cocked, there is a simple explanation for what he said to me.  That cupboard of mine outside my bedroom has a door which slumped dramatically and I was very disturbed. The man from Molly Maid had a look at it for me and said the small screws in the upper hinge had loosened with age and one had fallen out.  That is when he said, you need a good screw, thicker and longer, because there is good wood behind the screws, or something like that.  I wrote it down on the little piece of paper, wrapped the remaining small screw in it, and placed it in my purse for the next time I was near a hardware store.  That, my dear Bear, is the story of the screwing."

"You know, Bum, you can take a small incident and turn it into a huge, impossible, and granted, sometimes funny story, or not," said Bear.

"What can I say," said Bum, "It's a gift."

"We've wasted a lot of time, Bum, screwing around, if you'll pardon my French.  Let's get on with Paul's Structure comments," said Bear.

"Where were we?" asked Bum.  Her memory's not as good as is used to be.  Mind you, she cannot remember if she ever had a good memory.

"We agreed that Paul was correct this time when he likened our Gordon bit of our book with Love Story which also had a sad ending, or something like that," said Bear.

"Oh yes," said Bum.  Paul said "In the story, Gordon simply moves away.  This is a preexisting plan, but he has a relationship with Janey now, and the question needs to be asked why he doesn't stay behind for her sake, or why he doesn't offer to take her with him.  This is what the reader is wondering, and it is a question that needs to be decisively answered.  The answer to this question lies at the heart of what this story means, what it's trying to say.  Why, exactly, really, is this relationship breaking up?"

Later in the analysis, Paul says "Now it might be that Gordon is just not into Janey;  he's had a light fling, and now he's going to be on his way.  Janey, somewhat heartbroken, then turns to her friend, Bear."

 "That's not the Gordon we knew, Bum,: said Bear.  "Paul is putting a negative spin on our story and in simple terms is saying that Gordon had his way with Janey and now is taking his ways elsewhere.  I don't buy it.  Maybe Paul has been dumped a few times and this has brought back bad memories.  Has he? been dumped I mean," added Bear."

"How the hell would I know," exploded Bum.  "He was more likely the dumper rather than the dumpee."

"Whatever," said Bear.  "I'm just saying he's got our friend Gordon wrong.  Wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes, Bear, I do agree.  But, to give Paul his due, his analysis of our book was based on Draft 1.  I, with your help, fixed some of the points he made.  For example, Draft 2 includes the bit where Gordon asks Janey to go back east with him to live with his sister."

"Oh, that's right, Bum.  I'd forgotten those changes.  You likened yourself to an old car that would not make the trip, or something like that."

"Yes, Bear, but it was explained a little bit better than that," said Bum.

"I don't doubt that, Bum.  You are a careful writer, and person, and avoid confrontation at all costs. That's why people like you, although sometimes I think they don't know you that well.  But, that's your fault," said Bear.

"Don't psychoanalyze me, Bear.  I don't like it," said Bum.

"OK, I'll leave it for now, Bum, because you seem upset.  Let's get on with Paul's other comments about Gordon.  As I recall, he said Gordon simply moves away and this is the part I don't get,  that it was a preexisting plan," said Bear, looking puzzled.  "He didn't know his sister's wealthy husband was going to die and that she, because she was alone now, and had money, could and would invite Gordon to live with her free.  I think that sums it up.  It was not a preexisting plan, period."

 "I know that, Bear, and you know that, but Paul is looking for cynicism perhaps in their relationship.  He doesn't understand the special, but short, relationship that Janey and Gordon had.  I think you described it perfectly in Draft 2 about love being the most important thing in the universe and that it is a gift we do not all get, or something like that.  I'll have to go back and read it again to refresh my failing memory."

"Do that, Bum."

"One last question in Structure which we need to address, Bear, is when Paul said, the question needs to be asked why Gordon doesn't stay behind for Janey's sake" said Bum.

"Do you have the answer, old wise one?" asked Bear.
  
"Yes I do, Bear," said Bum..

"Somehow I knew you would," said Bear ruefully.

"For reasons unknown to me, most parents want to leave their children as much of their money as they can before they die, and even takes steps to minimize what they spend on themselves when they get older and closer to death.  I believe Gordon saw his chance when his wealthy sister asked him to move east and she would pay for everything.  He would only need some walking around money.  That's why he decided to sell his little house.  Perhaps it's one of those archetypical things, you know a universal human nature.  As you know, I never had any children and cannot comprehend this desire  to deprive yourself as you get older so you will have more money to give to some rascals.  Fuck them, I say.  Get your own money.  Try working for it like I did.  Does that make me selfish?  Again, I say, fuck them."

"Are you quite finished, Bum?  I don't like to end our conversation with all this cursing.  You know it offends me.  Don\t you have something upbeat or whatever to tell me?"
 
"I learned how to make a face mask today to protect others from me giving them the coronavirus, in case I have it and don't know it."

"That's better, Bum, doing something for others. Who taught you?" asked Bear.

"Dr. Gupta," answered Bum.  "He's often on CNN giving medical advice and information and he had a small video today showing the audience how to make a face mask."

"Dr. Gupta?" queried Bear.  "Is he Asian?"

"No," said Bum.  "He's Indian like you.  I thought you'd know that name, being Indian I mean."

"I was born in Calcutta, as you know, Bum, but I left there as a puppy and of course wouldn't know about names common to India."

"Anyway, Dr. Gupta showed us how to make a face mask, and luckily it doesn't involve any sewing.  As I've told you before, I have some trouble now threading a needle."

"Presumably you just tie a scarf around your head, crossing your face with it.  Or, you could get one of those burquas."

"All good ideas, Bear, which I too thought might work.  But, Dr. Gupta's mask is better because it loops over your ears.  All you need is a square scarf and a couple of big elastic bands.  I had an old silk scarf, red in colour with horses running around the edges.  I often wore it to the Track for luck but it didn't work.  It's about 20 years old but perfect for my new mask.  It was red across my face   
with just bits of the horses showing over my ears.  I thought it looked quite stylish, in a medical kind of way."

"Fascinating, Bum, but I have to go now.  My master's wife awaits, no doubt still complaining about toilet paper, and she needs someone to vent to, and I'm all she has.  Wear your new mask the next time and I'll let you know if it is indeed stylish," said Bear with a bit of a smirk.

"I have been accused of being stylish, my dear Bear, on many occasions," said Bum who likes the last word, and she got it, as he had already gone.

















  





























































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