STOCKPILING

"You're early," said Bear.

"I can't seem to get it right, can I Bear?" responded Bum,

"How come?" asked Bear.

"My sleep patterns have been disrupted.  I fall asleep without fail, watching TV, early too, and miss good shows for the most part.  I wake up in the middle of the night around 4:00 pm when it's too early to get up and make the coffee, and too late to go back to sleep.  It sucks, if you must know," finished Bum.

"I thought you were a good sleeper, Bum.  What's bothering you?" asked Bear.

"Maybe it's the fucking pandemic," said Bum.

"Hold it right there, Bum, with the cussing.  You sound just like those dreadful teenagers who cannot make a sentence at the best of times, and never without fuck in every context, i.e. fuck you, fucking asshole, what the fuck, et cetera, et cetera."

"Fuck you very much for your insightful comments, Bear." said Bum, wryly she hoped.

"Very funny, Bum, but that's enough of the cussing.  It offends me, as you well know," said Bear in that disapproving tone he uses.

"How's the pandemic going at your house, Bear?" asked Bum.

"Not well," said Bear.  "My master teaches in the United States as you know, and he is unable to return home because the border is closed.  His wife is very upset because she's alone in the house and must distance herself from friends and family.  The only time she goes out is to make a short run for groceries.  Time is passing slowly for her.  She complains all the time and you know the only living creature there, is me.  She's getting on my nerves, I can tell you.  How's it going at your house?  Are you and your sister getting on each other's nerves during this lockdown?"

"Frances and I have lived together a long time.  We've been getting on each other's nerves for years, so no problem."

"My master's wife is upset because she's running low on toilet paper.  She's reluctant to use kleenex because that's getting low too, and she's knows it's not good to flush it down the toilet.  Her husband told her that."

"It's the bloody stockpiling that has been going on, Bear.  People don't think, or even care, about other people's needs.  I was picking up some meat for supper the other day at Nestors and the manager was telling another customer that a man came in the other day and scooped up all the ground round packages.  The manager accosted the stockpiler and told him the meat was for everyone in the neighbourhood, not just him.  The man replied, I have to look after my family, and left with the full cart of meat."

Did the manager say anything to him in response?" asked Bear.

"Yes, he called him an asshole, and left it at that."

"I think that says it all, Bum," said Bear.

"I find the bare shelves at the grocery stores the most disturbing, Bear.  It must've been like that during the war," said Bum.

"I suppose it's the shelves for the paper products, Bum.  That's why my master's wife is so concerned about her diminishing toilet paper."

"If that were all, Bear.  The shelves for the pasta products are the worst.  Luckily, I don't need any of that stuff."

"Why not?" asked Bear.  "I remember your love of spaghetti, for example."

"My sister was told by her chiropractor not to eat pasta.  I'm not bothered by that because I sometimes have a pasta dish when we are in a restaurant, so it's no hardship for me."

"Have you forgotten that the restaurants are closed during the pandemic?" asked Bear.

"Yes, I had forgotten that, Bear, but it's OK, I have a frozen macaroni and cheese casserole in the upstairs freezer.  If I get really desperate, I can always have that," said Bum complacently.

"That's OK then, Bum.  But, the more disturbing thing is the lineup outside grocery stores now, and I mean outside."

"Yes, I was at Superstore today, Bear, and we were lined up 6 feet apart for the length of the store.  Of course, it started to rain and my umbrella was in the car.  Luckily, I was wearing that black hat of mine with the brim and that kept the rain off," said Bum . 

"Not that too big black hat with the coloured border around the head that makes you look like an old witch, I hope?"

 "What do you mean, old?" muttered Bum grumpily.  She's so sick of being asked, or not asked if she's a senior but sees the senior's discount on her receipt later.  Remarks about her age are getting on her nerves.

"What's wrong with being old, for God's sake, Bum.  At least it means you're still alive.   Never mind all that, why would you wear a hot that is obviously too big for you.  That brown hat you wear with your coat with the holes all over it is lovely.  Wear that one."

"It's really none of your business, Bear, what I wear, but I fixed that big black hat, if you must know, and it is really quite attractive now," said Bum.

"Dare I ask what you did to fix it?" enquired Bear.  "As I recall, you use very odd methods to fix things  Remember that long camel coat you bought at some Thrift shop that fitted you very well but the sleeves were a bit short.  You found an old pair of long socks, again at a Thrift store, and fashioned, although that word's a stretch, curly cuffs for that coat."

"Be as disparaging as you like, Bear, about my creative fixes.  A lot of people cannot even sew a button on a shirt, so there.  All that aside, I will tell you how I fixed that black hat.  I placed the brown hat, which is a perfect fit and even you said is lovely on me, on top of the black hat.  I then drew a line with light blue pen my sister had, around the brims.  Then, using a new pair of scissors, because the ones in my room are old and dull, much like me, I carefully cut the brim off the black hat  to match the brown one.  It worked very well, if you must know."

"Was the black brim even, Bum?  That can't be that easy to do."

"It was pretty good, Bear.  It had a couple of little uneven bits but I carefully cut them off and voila, the hat was ready to be worn.  I like it.  It is very attractive, if I do say so myself. "
 
"Back to your stint at the Superstore, Bum.  Did you get any toilet paper or kleenex?  That's what you were trying to find, right?"

"No, Bear, the shelves were bare so I bought a carton of cigarettes on the way out.   Cash is out at the Superstore so I had to use my VISA card.  Presumably, cash carries germs, so there you have it."

"So, you are stockpiling cigarettes, Bum.  That is so you.  What about the toilet paper and kleenex?  Have you given up on that?"

"No, of course not, Bear.  I decided to try Shoppers Drugs at Parkgate mall.  They have a small section for paper products and I'm hoping most people don't know about it.  On my way in to the store, a man passed me carrying a large package of toilet paper and a large six pack of kleenex.  Looking good, I thought."

"That sounds encouraging, Bum," said Bear, smiling and looking pleased for me.

"Unfortunately, dear Bear, that, dare I call him a gentleman, must have taken the last two big packages.  All that was left were two small sections of the small kleenex boxes and small packages of those small kleenexes for your purse.  Both kinds were two for $6.00.  I took two of each and went up to the cash."

"It doesn't sound like much, Bum, but better than nothing I guess," said Bear.,

"I placed my 4 small boxes on the counter behind the safety plexi glass protecting the cashier.  She looked at them and then told me I was only entitled to two items.  Yes, I said, but these are small and don't even make up 2 big boxes of kleenex.  Two items, she repeated, pointing to a sign behind her.  I chose the two small kleenex boxes and left the store.  Nitwit, I thought."

"That is so ridiculous, Bum.  That cashier doesn't know how to think outside the box, or words to that effect."  Bear looked disgusted by this turn of events.

"Well, Bear, she is obviously a great believer of size doesn't matter, as many men out there would be pleased to hear.  As you said, she's a nitwit and probably would have no trouble getting a date, using that premise that size doesn't matter."

"I don't like coarse language as you know, Bum, but you got screwed."

"So true, Bear, so true.  I have a humorous screwing story for you for tomorrow."  Bum left the scene and smiled at Bear's look of astonishment.